Don’t know about you but this weird new world we are adapting is really grinding me down. Lockdown seems a whole other time ago and actually looking back I rather enjoyed the tranquility of it and the slow down of pace.
I never actually redecorated the whole house or learnt a new skill but I spent time in my garden and ran whenever I wanted.
It was like a weird look ahead to retired life. I remember listening to a pod cast with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe and laughing when they said we’d come out of lockdown either the same or shitter. Stress, over eating, loss of work all took their toll on may of us. I was lucky to get support from our local council and thank god I didn’t have to home school any children. My daughter is 17 and thankfully her grasp of quantum physics is good (I don’t even know what that is!!) so I dodged that bullet!!
I ran a lot for the first few months. I discovered new trails, made barefoot sandals, did various challenges, ran fast, ran slow and did an epic 75km round the local cricket ground.
All these goals kept me motivated and focused and got me out of the house. I’m not very good cooped up and was well aware I would start to go stir crazy. I watched the daily briefings hoping, like the rest of the country, that it would end soon. Challenges with friends kept me motivated and my little starting/finishing arch became a regular feature in my runs
When the restrictions started to ease I turned my energy to opening the clinic. I was nervous about what would happen; would people still want, or be able to afford phyio? There were lots of stipulations around opening again but once I got my head around keeping myself and my patients safe I felt ready to open. After all, you could go and stand in a big queue with no PPE on or travel to sit on a packed beach. Physiotherapists needed to make sure their patients felt safe coming into to see them and I had everything in place to achieve this. The week I opened I was unsure what would happen but the diary soon began to fill up. I chose to open 2 days initially and at the end of it my brain was fried. It was like trying to kick start a damp fire. The spark is there somewhere it just needs some fuel and a bit of time.
The second week was even busier but somehow I just couldn’t shake the feeling of a big cloud hanging over me. I’ve always loved my job and I’m proud of the space I’ve created but something just wasn’t right. I watched the news almost praying that there would be some light at the end of the covid tunnel but things just seemed to become more muddled. There were daily reports of job losses, the economy was sliding into a recession and everything seemed confusing and hopeless. I’m sure I’m not alone in feeling this weariness with this covid 19 situation. I thought I would be filled with glee when things started opening again but the thought of going to a pub at this point in time just fills me with dread. There are so many restrictions that I think I would feel on edge and that’s not what a trip to the pub should involve.
Last week the clinic was even busier and I got into the swing of things with the new mask/glove/apron combo.
It meant I could gasp in amazement at a patients lack of movement behind the mask whilst maintaining reassuring eyes. I stopped watching the news so often as I still struggled to get my head round the enormity of the situation facing us. The country is still heading for a recession, I’m not sure we do actually have the virus under control and I’m genuinely sad that we don’t seem to have learnt anything from our lockdown. Seeing the queues for Macdonalds, packed beaches and litter strewn across our beautiful country side made me feel sick inside. I’m embarrassed to be part to of the human race and to be British. We’ve become a country of selfish, disgusting, self centered people. The more I saw, the sadder I became. I stopped running as it seemed pointless and I just felt like I was drifting along on very dull breeze. With no real end to all this it was easy to just give up. ….but that’s not me!!!
Steve and I both felt strongly that we wanted to make changes to our life. We took on a couple of allotments so we can become more self sufficient. We’ve still got the awful mess of Brexit to face yet and who knows what chaos that may bring. Having somewhere we can escape to and grow our own food is something we are both excited to aim for. We’re currently clearing the mountain of brambles and have plans to recycle as much as we can to make our own pallet shed.
This week at work has been super busy and I’ve focused on giving my patients the best service I can. As long as myself, my patients and my family are safe I am trying to not worry about the bigger picture. Its like quantum physics, it doesn’t make sense to me but that’s ok. I’m a physio not a physicist. My strengths are within me and I need to harness them from within and not try to sort out things that are out of my control. The lockdown fatigue is effecting everyone in different ways but as with any fatigue if you understand why you are fatigued you can work with it and make positive changes. It may be simply a rest; some down time for your brain. It may be you need to offload something; ask for help or talk to someone. You may be lacking in something; what is that? As we move into the strange new way of living, my walls seem very close, yet that is only an interpretation of the situation. In reality the freedom comes from within. I’m slowly gathering my strength again and shaking those bonds of fatigue. If I keep my eye on my ball and focus on what’s important to me then this next phase will pass just as all the others have. Lets just hope there is some light at the end of the tunnel soon.
If you’re feeling alone and fatigued then its ok to reach out. Set yourself a little goal. Something as simple as going for a walk can lift your spirits. We are all in this together in our own little vessels bobbing about in the turbulent waters but if you lash those vessels together they can make a strong resilient structure. Stay safe folks, much love xx